Why is it that as you age, it takes more and more time to look presentable to go out?
When you were a child, you threw on some shorts and a shirt and went outside to play. You may or may not have brushed your teeth or your hair, and it really didn’t matter to you.
When you were an adolescent, you spent a lot of time primping in front of the mirror. Perfect hair was the goal, and for girls, make-up was a new experimental thing. This mirror-time was spent in hopes of attracting the perfect cutie, in order to tell your friends that you attracted said cutie.
When you were in your twenties, you started whitening your teeth and going to the tanning salon to make yourself look fresh and healthy. What else could you look like in your twenties, but fresh and healthy?
When you were in your thirties, you spent more time moisturizing and trying to avoid looking like you pulled an all-nighter, even though your bedtime is nine. Your clothes began to not fit quite as well as they used to, so you spent a lot of time in your closet, looking for ways to cover up those “problem” areas.
In my forties, I’m spending more and more time on wrinkle stuff and hair dye. My daily routine goes as such…
Scrub face with new-fangled contraption I saw on TV and had to buy
Apply whitening strips
Rinse whitening strip crap off hands
Shower with nice smelling soap
Loofah elbows and heels
Wash hair with nice smelling shampoo
Rinse nice smelling shampoo
Condition hair with nice smelling conditioner
Shave (in more places than I’ll admit)
Rinse nice smelling conditioner
Wrap hair in super-absorbent luxurious towel
Towel off with super-absorbent luxurious second towel
Remove whitening strips
Brush teeth with extra-whitening, baking soda, tarter control toothpaste
Apply nice smelling deodorant
Apply nice smelling face lotion
Apply nice smelling body lotion to dry areas
(yes, this is a different lotion than the face lotion)
Spend five minutes with tweezers
Change mirrors at least twice to get better light
Dry hair, hanging upside-down for maximum fullness
Style hair using curling iron, straightener, crimper, blow dryer, etc.
Reset fuse box
Use nice smelling hairspray to hold hair perfectly in place
Change clothes again
Search for the perfect shoes
Add more nice smelling hairspray
Change clothes again to match shoes
Complain about not having the perfect earrings
Check hair again
Frown into full-length mirror
Shrug and walk out the door
If I am going someplace which requires dressy attire and stockings, add 35 minutes.
This doesn’t even include the time spent earlier at the hair dressers, the nail place, the gym, the tanning salon, or the hours and hours spent searching for flaw-hiding clothing.
Why can’t I just throw on some shorts and a shirt and go outside and play?