Pretty Sure I Was Abducted By Aliens

Day after day, every morning is the same routine.

After I get out of the shower, I wrap my hair in a towel. I apply deodorant and face lotion. I get dressed, dry my hair, plug in my curling iron, apply my makeup while it’s getting hot, then curl my hair and add earrings. Aaannnd, I’m off! Twenty minutes, tops.

Here’s what happened this morning!

I did all the above, just as I always do it, in the same order, without waiver, just like every other day!

I went to work and caught up on a couple hours worth of items leftover from yesterday. I then joined a conference call that spanned a dozen people over five states. If you’re not familiar with WebX, someone on the call will be the presenter and share their computer screen with everyone else.

During this time, I realized I had been so busy all morning, I had neglected to use the restroom. You know, if you get stuck in a situation where you can’t go to the bathroom, it makes you have to go all the more! Well, I was the presenter in this WebX conference and couldn’t leave – not even for a minute! And this was a TWO HOUR presentation.

FINALLY, we ended the call and I sprinted to the restroom.

Upon washing my hands in front of the mirror, I looked up, and to my horror, I saw my pale, bare, makeup-less face. Nope, not one little swipe of blush. No eyeliner. No mascara. No lipstick. What the H E double L was going on here???

My hair was curled. My earrings were on. Did I not look into the mirror this morning to do those things? Where I would have seen my makeup’ed face? And certainly noticed the lack of said makeup?

Wait! If my hair was curled, what was I doing for the five minutes it took for my curling iron to warm up??

I can’t figure this out.

I came out of the restroom and told my co-worker, “I forgot to put on eyeliner this morning.”

To which she replied, “Yes, I noticed that right away.”

“WHAT?! And you didn’t say anything???” (May be on the hunt for some new coworkers.)

The only explanation I can figure is I was abducted by aliens this morning for about five minutes.

Either that, or I’ve lost my ever-lovin’ mind, and I refuse to believe that is true.

alien

Better Late than Never for “The Weekly Smile”

weeklysmile1Apparently, bloggers are working to make the world a nicer place, and darn-it-all if I missed it. Over at Trent’s World, they are doing something rather cool – posting a weekly smile. In his words, “What made you smile in the last week? A photo? A kind word from a friend or stranger? A random act of kindness witnessed in life or on the news? Seeing a small baby or talking to an elderly parent or grandparent?  A joke? A song?” Well, let’s join in and make the blogosphere a happier place. What made you smile this week?

 

The following not only made me smile, it made me laugh out loud – hold my stomach and roar, actually. If you are a musician or have a good ear for music, you’ll be astounded, amazed, and tickled pink over this video. If you’ve ever accompanied a singer, you’re going to die! It’s priceless!

Plundering the Romance Novel by Ionia Martin

51t2fcaBeRL._SX383_BO1,204,203,200_I just finished reading the funniest book I’ve read in a long time. I trotted over to Amazon to leave a review. In their little pop-up, they asked me if there was sexual content in the book. I’m not sure how to answer that question, so I left it blank.

I will say, though, that this book is short, sweet, and hilarious. It is told by the hero, narrator, author, and your choice of two heroines. You can tell them apart by the color of their flowing locks. Watch out for the potato sack race which had me spitting my drink onto my Kindle. A MUST-READ for any romance fan or writer…especially writer. I encourage all of my author friends and anyone who loves a good romance novel to go get this book…TODAY…RIGHT NOW. Click HERE. If you hate romance novels, you’ll like it even more.

It is written by our friend and fellow blogger Ionia Martin from Readful Things. Below is her blurb that I copied from Amazon, and make sure you stop by her blog. I linked it above for your convenience.

Description: A silly, satirical romp into the land of romance novels and pirate adventures, full of romance clichés and humour. This book is a short novella, just over 10k words.

Have you ever wondered what goes on in the minds and hearts of romance novel heroes and heroines? No? Good, because this book won’t be helpful with that at all.

If romance clichés drive you mad and you like Monty Python style humour, this may be the perfect book for you.

From the twisted mind of a sometimes writer and lifelong reader, you are certain to have less brain cells than you started with after reading this book.

Captain Stormy is the typical romance hero/villain archetype. He follows the Romance Hero Handbook to the letter, but he is about to figure out that nothing in his guidebook is going to prepare him for the trials he’s about to face.

Uncooperative heroines, lack of treasure, severely delayed sex scenes, a missing crew and an old man’s butt cheeks later, Stormy has a story to tell you.

Even pirates have bad days.

*contains some mature themes and language

Awesome Goat-iness

I just can’t stand it anymore. I had to compile these mash-ups on one page. Warning: Don’t drink anything while you’re watching these videos. You’ll end up with milk coming out your nose. Note: most of these animals are not goats, but actually sheep. Whatev!

“Let it Goat” from Frozen

“I Knew You Were a Goat” – Taylor Swift

And finally, the Top 5 Goat Songs

 

Worst Book Titles….EVER!

Warning: This post has adult language and adult humor. If you are offended by such things, please do not read any further.

This is a collection of some of the worse book titles to ever hit the bookshelves. Seriously, these book are for sale to the public. As you will see by the “look inside” stickers on the tops of some of the photos, I found most of them on Amazon.

Here’s a collection to enhance the spiritual side of your life:  Does this first one look like a battery-powered dildo? Or is it just me?

41CSZf4q1rL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-v3-big,TopRight,0,-55_SX278_SY278_PIkin4,BottomRight,1,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_

missionary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone loves books. Pick this up for your little sister:

penis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and perhaps for grandma:

pussy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t forget grandpa:

knitting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and for dad:

masterbate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know a lot of my readers are genealogy buffs, so here’s one especially for you:

graves

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you have a child from a sperm donor, consider these treasures: The Pea that was Me: A Sperm Donor Story (I can’t wait to read that one!) or Thank You For Your Sperm. I imagine the sequel to that would be: Sure, No Problem.

sperm

sperm2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The most important books in the world are the ones for children. Remember treasuring your books as a child? Here are a few of my favorites: The Night Dad Went to Jail

dad jail

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All my friends are dead

DINOBOOK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and my all-time favorite: Go the F#&* to Sleep

go the fuck to sleep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you still can’t find a book that calls to you, try this feel-good story: The Universe Doesn’t Give a Flying F#&* About You

give a fuck

 

 

 

Even the Dead have a Sense of Humor

I don’t know how it happened, but I ended up in Googland looking at funny epitaphs. Figured I’d share…

1151001_10152285539103680_1072061524_nI’d rather be at the mall

 

 

 

 

 

polls_aintbad_0112_881773_answer_6_xlargeThis ain’t bad once you get used to it

 

 

 

 

 

 

6a00d83423f14d53ef01156f89fe7d970c-800wi

 

 

He never killed a man that did not need killing

 

 

 

 

…and a couple celebrities.download rodney dangerfieldgeek-epitaph-not-be-right-back

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think I want my epitaph to say “I’m still on Facebook.”